I was just thinking about how I lost touch with being happy and apreciative of what life has become for me. How happy I am with whats changed, the people i love who are still with me. Those who iv forgotten about. And the ones Iv come to love. Sometimes it can be hard as there are bigger and greater expectations. It can be fustrating. But to lose yourself is a far greater loss than simply not meeting those expectations. I know I have changed on the outside. Iv been a bit meaner and i smile less. Those that matter tend to see the change in my face.
Someone i know asked me the other day why I dont smile as much as I used to. Iv been thinking about it lately and realised that there is only one person that really sees my genuine smile. She makes me so happy that i forget most of lifes problems. I tend to overlook the massive push she gives me every time i see her. Instead of apreciating what little time i do finally get to spend with her, I worry about how its not enough time. So much to the point that it makes us both unhappy. Sometimes I lay down and think back to when we first met. And try and understand why I cant just be like that. I guess you still are learning a lot about yourself as you take a totally different path. Things are not as bad as they seem and today I realised that I am so much better off just being happy with what I have. Iv wanted so much this last two months that I lost myself a little. Its probably because things havent changed much. I forgot that im more simple than everyone expects me to be. Im just simply a nice guy. Now someone special to me is teaching me to be the same nice guy. And to learn not to lose that while making more of myself. To become an even better person. I find that this kind of thing requires a lot of patience. Something that isnt in my vocabulary. Im a taurus after all! Im impatient, im not used to change, but Love and understanding are my greatest strengths.
Seeing my family today was great. It was very nice to see my family get together for a belated happy birthday for me. But there was one member missing. I felt a little sad and im a bit teary eyed right now just thinking about it. I woke up this morning to find her gardening in my back yard. She told me she was just enjoying the morning sun. I didnt say anything and just sat in my hammoc. I just watched her for a bit and listened as she was talking to me. I have no idea what she said. I was too bizzy thinking about how much i love her for what she did for me and my brother and what she still does till this day. Everyone should have this feeling. But with good feeling comes a sad realisation that not everything is well with her. I dont want to think about it right now but having to lose what she had lost is something I know im going to have to deal with some day. I have never seen a stronger heart in my life. I can only hope that id have one just as strong as hers.
This is how I bring myself back to reality. How I forget all the petty shit that goes on in my life and others. I have so much time to think these days and mostly I find myself being negative. I used to tell my friend that art is about self expression but everyone concentrates on the negatives. Its an outlet of stress and troubles. I wanted to show her that there are two sides to it and not all the best post modern artists have negative conotations to their artistic creations. Art is a parallel to this life I think. Being sad and depressed and being open about it is a great outlet but the good things in art are being overlooked. I cant remember the last time someone painted a beautiful painting of a flower or something and making it to the front cover of a prestigouse art magazine, I dont remember seeing a painting being sold at an art exhibition for over 100,000 dollars simply depicting the hapyness of a family. So by the very same concept even though the good things in life go without reward they are still far better than being depressed and sad.
She was the very same person who said I dont smile anymore. I feel a bit stupid contradicting myself like that.
Today is another new day. Im going to wake up with a smile. Think of my girl. Think of my family. Then think about how hard im going to work for all of them. I think its time that I put an end to being so needy, and remember that I already have enough right here infront of me, to not neglect what I have and give my mum a hug. Chill with my bro in his room while he makes beats. Listen to Jennys voice on the phone, tell her I love her, know that she loves me to.
I know this may seem a bit too DNM for my blog but I quite like it. Just writing about it makes me feel good. It helps me concentrate my thoughts into a solid form. My mind is full of different "pieces" (I spelt it "Peices, then remembered the rule. See im learning ^_^unless i still spelt it wrong) that are hard to put together and to make sense. Now i can see in writing what my goals are.
Its time for me to sleep! im tired! :)
Thought of the day: Shawshank redemption was an epic movie! no wonder im so dnm!
Mol3 s2
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